Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The Waygood Has Moved!

A mystery surrounds the relocation of The Waygood to another web address. Strangely that mystery is so mysterious, there is some doubt there is a mystery at all.

The Editors are cautiously proud to announce that The Waygood Online Gazette can now be found at:

Lord Waygood and colleagues look forward to seeing you at the new address, as the orientation of their eyes prohibits them from doing otherwise.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Lettuce to the Editor

Fresh fruit and vegetables are important to everyone's diet, and the editors here at The Waygood are no different. Send your Lettuce, preferably in text form to and we will publish it here. The Waygood reserves the right to edit lettuce for our sandwich making porpoises.

After a filing cabinet reshuffle, The Waygood Editors found this letter crumpled and in state for decay. But with the help of a spotty man, we have brought it back to life. It is printed below for your reading pleasure. We regret to inform readers of Braille that they might find it lacks feeling.

Dear Sir,

The House of Commons has apparently been in quite a state of flux of late, with several of the governments bills not being passed. I cant relate too many details of this, as I have been sound asleep in the House of Lords and quite rightly too. I haven’t been invested as a peer and could well be tried for impersonation if discovered. It’s a sad indictment of the society we live in when you consider the risks and boring conversation one assumes for a good leather couch and a decent cup of tea.

Which reminds me of the last time I was using public transport. I was standing on Chancery Lane waiting for a rickshaw when I looked beside me and saw Eric Satie reading the form guide.

“Mr Satie” I said, “Why don’t you have a French name, like Henrie or Philippe?”

“What do I look like?” He replied with a sneer, “A poof?” before spitting on the ground and walking towards the closest knocking shop.

This isn’t the first time that I'd come across a rude a Frenchman particularly fond of emitting phlegm, the most notable of whom being George Bizet, whose love of a good discharge was only matched by his hatred of the Spanish.

We were patrolling the North Moroccan border, something he considered a waste of time seeing as that we were patrolling a beach, he with the Foreign Legion and I in my capacity as the N.F Lancers Chaplain when I noticed his constant tirade of spittal.

“That’s a good one” I noted after a particularly clean ‘gorby’ much to his chagrin. This only served to encourage him further, leading to a perilous situation in which he started dehydrating quickly and the Moroccon summer sun only started burning more brightly. I wont go into detail of how we got out of that one, but lets just say that we’d still be out there – him spitting to the tune of ‘Carmen’ and me humming along in a state of delusion – if we hadn’t just got on with it.

If there is a lesson in this, it is that the House of Commons should be scrapped entirely and replaced by illegal north African rug traders requiring ballroom dancing lessons. I think. Im not sure. Its time for tea.

As my drill instructor once told me; “The important thing about drilling, is to make sure your drill is plugged in and pressed to the object you wish to drill – point forward”

- Rev D A ‘Tweak’ Nichols

North Fitzroy Lancers

Friday, February 17, 2006

New Sponsor: Clean Up Australia

The Waygood Online Gazette is proud to announce that has received a measure of financial support through a sponsorship program. By disguising itself as a small African child, The Waygood has been able to receive funding through a variety of aid organizations, one of which is the 'Clean Up Australia' Program.

Lord Waygood, a cultural mentor for thousands, hopes that you will show your support for his periodical by proudly displaying this poster at your home or place of employ.

The poster can be download here. (PDF format)

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Lord Waygood's Christmas Message

The Editors of The Waygood would like to present this, the first and inaugural Chrismas message, from Lord Waygood. We understand that the Christmas period has well and truly expired, so we offer this address as a yuleogy.

Dear Readers,

I hope you all have had a Christmas and New Year, as I recommend them thoroughly.

I cannot begin to understand what sort of festive season many of you have enjoyed, as I suffer from an unfortunate lack of Extra Sensory Perception (E.S.J.) (sic). So, in an effort to enrich the knowledge of the populace, I will relate my own yuletide experience.

Christmas, through the perpetuality of the calendar, has become an annual event for us here at Waygood Manor, with the midday meal forming the centerpiece of the celebration. Despite the disfortunation of living in the colonies, the comestibles department of Waygood Manor was able to procure the ingredients required for the traditional 12 course Christmas luncheon. Whilst the partridge in pear tree faggots and the seven swans a swimming à la Bourgogne were gastronomical highlights, the nine ladies dancing were a little pink and required more basting. In conclusion, dessert.

As global warming grips the earth’s climate and forces us to enjoy more gin and tonic right through winter, I have spent much of the scorching Australian Summer soaking for long periods in the bath-tub. Unfortunately, Melbourne’s ongoing water restrictions have forced me for another year to bathe in chilled vintage champagne. Krug’s Clos de Mesnil 1990 was this season’s choice. Scoff you might, but let me say, not only does this keep one’s dermal pores clean, I recommend it as the fastest way to fill a glass when friends drop ‘in’.

I understand that many of you have noticed the long absence since the last published edition of The Waygood, and for that I sincerely apologise. As it is unprofessional as it is to lay blame, I will not be mentioning George Smythe-Dembleton-Smythe, who has recently had his contract terminated. I will however offer my warmest wishes to him and his family during the ‘holiday’ period.

Notwithstanding much of the last month spent in Clos(ver), I have done well to finally complete my doctoral thesis. Only yesterday a telegram arrived informing me that my PhD in Drapery at Curtin University has been well received by the British Government. Not only by the Department of Home Affairs, may I say, but by the Interior Minister himself. With any luck, an opportunity to redecorate number 10 Downing Street will be shortly forthcoming. The Editors here at The Waygood have for some time hinted at me taking up off-shore employment, maybe they’ll give me those concrete shoes they’ve promised as a farewell gift!

And for those of you that are interested, a cheese sandwich is often made with cheese.

Yours Beknowestingly,

Lord W. Waygood, PhD, AO, MBE, RaCV.
Lord Waygood over-commits himself to many just causes, one of which is the Uncyclopedia. Similar to Wikipedia, yet far more factual, the Lord has contributed the following entries.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Lord Waygood. Who is he?

Good day to you, dear readers.

The Editors, after a few weeks negotiations, are today proud to publish an excerpt from 'Waygood: A Dynasty'. This soon to be published book is the unauthorised autobiography by Lord William Waygood.

One of the only autobiographies you'll find written in the third person, you can read about the Lord and what events that transpired leading to his exile in Melbourne, Australia.

The tragic story also shows what motivated this heifer to speak Greek.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

British Tourists ‘Unaustralian’

A disturbing trend has come to the attention of the editors of The Waygood, from a recent published report compiled by the Australian Bureau of Statistics. We have learned that an amazing 672,800 British tourists entered Australia in 2003, an increase of 4.7% on the previous year. From these figures we can conclude there will be a staggering one billion visiting British by the year 2165.

It is common knowledge tourists fill hotels, restaurants and congest our already packed public transport system. Can our nation afford to deal with this growing infrastructural pressure? How do so many British citizens overstay their visa? Can they be trusted? Who are the British anyway? With so many difficult questions to answer, the Editors here at The Waygood are hardly feeling ‘relaxed and comfortable’.

As part of this special investigation we sent one of our columnists to Melbourne airport to see how current protocols are observed. Sue Valence, staff reporter, watched how several dozen citizens of the British Isles wandered past the immigration desks almost without detection. They waved what appeared to be a convincing copy of an Australian passport, albeit somewhat red in colour, and proceeded unhindered to the luggage collection area.

The type of fake Australian passport glimpsed at Tullamarine

In this era of cultural protectionism, we felt alerting this serious issue to our dozen devoted readers was clearly not enough, and have raised the alarm to the Federal government as well. Surprisingly, we found they were also aware of these important issues, and have been developing a new strategy to address this worrying concern.

Whilst speaking to Immigration Minister A. Blander Sandstone MP, we were told of preparations to bring the Tourism Ministry in line with the Department of Immigration’s ‘exclusive’ policies. She also admitted that she thought tourists were inherently ‘Unaustralian’ and did nothing for the mateship of the country.

The successes of popular locations for refugees, detention centres, are now to be employed to provide accommodation for visiting tourists. Holidaymakers to our shores will have a choice of destinations, with Port Hedland, Woomera and Baxter featuring prominently in new promotions by Tourism Australia.

3 star accommodation is available at the new Port Hedland tourist community centre.

In addition to these new initiatives the Federal Government is launching a 24 hour hotline to assist this new approach. Members of the public will be invited to inform trained operators of the whereabouts of ‘tourists’ that might be traveling around Australia at their own free will. A comprehensive booklet explaining the new policy is expected to reach Australian letterboxes soon.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Exclusive! A New Age for The Age.

A prominent Melbourne Newspaper, The Age, has decided to change its layout again, the editors of The Waygood have recently learned. This change in design closely follows the Weekend ‘A2’ section moving to a tabloid size and ‘not so long’ after the incorporation of the Metro component into the main section of the daily paper. “It’s had more facelifts than Michael Jackson.”, remarked our own Lord Waygood, after hearing of the daring new plan.

Following recent criticism by Gerard Henderson claiming The Age was “The Guardian on the Yarra”, the editors appear to be making a change that will quash such comparisons and give The Age a format that is entirely unique.

The campaign outlined by the formatting team involves the entire daily content to be printed on a single sheet of newsprint quality paper. This feature will allow the reader to peruse all news items at once, without having to turn pages or worry about finding articles in obscure sub-sections that regularly have their titles changed.

Sources close to The Age have claimed that the editors want to make the newspaper ‘more like, heaps user friendlier’, a pitch obviously aimed at the lucrative youth market. Samples leaked from The Age have been obtained by The Waygood with staff finding the new style ‘challenging’.

Lord Waygood enjoying The Age yesterday. (Courtesy Waygood Manor)

Fairfax Publishing has yet to formally comment on the matter but did remark that they “refuse to cut any corners when it comes to quality publishing”. It seems only time will tell if this new ‘no-cut’ policy will be a success with readers.

Monday, October 24, 2005

North Fitzroy Nursing Home to Become Custard Factory

An Inner City Aged Care facility run under the proprietorship of one of Melbourne's biggest charities is to close later this year. The establishment, once a home to the frail and elderly has had to shut its doors, due to funding constraints and pressure to redevelop the site to meet Government accreditation standards. Despite this unfortunate situation for staff and residents, the greater public at large is to benefit from the future progress on the site.

The 'Old Crack House' proprietors yesterday unveiled plans to build on a famous culinary legacy and expand into commercial dessert manufacture. Announced by the board was a strategy that will move the facility from nursing home to a 24 hour a day custard production plant, estimating an average output of 4 gigalitres a year.

Graphic examples of the future development on Nicholson street

Also on display were previews of their new custard, with a spokesman proudly claiming "The recipe lends itself to a style of dessert that most people would find unfamiliar." Once a daily staple for the residents of the facility, the kitchen team feel they have perfected their 'formula' and are ready to take on the commercial market.

William Waygood, our own food editor, had the opportunity to evaluate custard samples on display, yet had few complimentary remarks. "This dessert's colour is a vivid unnatural yellow. It displays a strange 'skin', an upper layer of dried dessert quite impervious to this taster's spoon, while the 'body' has the viscosity and texture of cold phlegm. I can only hope that the nursing home patients didn't have to endure this too often."

Other custard manufacturers seem unthreatened by the venture, a spokeswoman from Sara Lee stating, "It's not the kind of style (of custard) we are familiar with, we feel our consumers will prefer a brand they trust and a flavour they enjoy." Despite these confident words from their potential competition the proprietors talked confidently of expansion to a new development at Eltham.

The proprietors of 'Old Crack House Custard' are keen that a generational legacy will encourage sales of their product claiming, "It's the Custard your grandmother couldn't say no to."

Sunday, October 02, 2005

'Mister' Nesbitt Apprehended by Local Authorities

Notorious for his mysterious disappearance and links with Melbourne's largest book heist, the alleged thief 'Mr' Nesbitt is now resting in custody after a tip-off involving an anonymous Mann.

Only a year ago Mr Nesbitt was a Senior Librarian at a municipal library in one of Melbourne’s most peopled communities. But after puzzling book absences and the sacking of a key staff member, the alarm was raised after it was attached to a long pole.

According to detectives working on the case, Nesbitt has been unhelpful in assisting police find the cache of missing books. When questioned where the Australian history titles are ‘Mr’ Nesbitt will only answer “994”. This sort of cryptic answer has decimated the police’s confidence in their prosecution of the man, and has lead them to ask the former Librarian if he just wishes to add to his infamy. “I think someone’s had it infamy for a while now.” is his reported reply.

Police are asking for any helpful information to assist with the prosecution of Nesbitt, and are appealing to a sub-urban children’s book writer who may have vital clues.

At this stage police have some reservations on the books being returned, and feel it will be a while before they can close the book on this one.

An artiste's impression of Mr Nesbitt.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Melbourne Experimental Electronic Sonic Artist Embarrassed

In an incident that can only be described as unlucky, The Lord Waygood’s brother was found wearing only ‘derriere couture’ yesterday. When interviewed after the event, Harry* claimed he’d been locked out of his house shoeless, unwashed and unshaven, with nothing to his name except a half empty bottle of whisky called ‘Snoopy’. He claims some members of the public “may have seen him”.

Usually dressed in more respectable apparel, Mr Waygood’s embarrassment was futher compounded by the publishing of his woeful tale on ‘The Internet’, an electronic media transfer source. Despite this, some critics of fictitious events have cried “Bullshit” to unrelated, and falsified goings-on.

Harry Waygood has recently shot to fame through his involvement in a Melbourne Fringe Festival production now showing at the North Melbourne Town Hall. Only last week he was a struggling artist, yet his most recent artistic creation has helped cement Mr Harry Waygood as a household name

The exposure to the public of the Young man in less than flattering dress has been regarded by some as a ‘shameless publicity stunt’. Others were unaware that it happened at all.

A public rally is to be staged to support Mr Harry Waygood in the new future, and further shows at the North Melbourne Town Hall are hoping to provide some relief to the poor artist. Mr Waygood can be contacted through his agents at CanvasCity.

*Not really his real name.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

"The Waygood" Launched today upon a confused and unsuspecting public.

In a small room in the Melbourne palace of Lord William Waygood, The Waygood was born today, not long after it was conceived in the fertile yet idle mind of the Lord himself. To celebrate the launch of the Web Log, celebrations were carried out around the world in the form of birthdays, wakes and dinner parties. Almost all of the participants of this merrymaking, however, have never heard of the electronic magazine or Lord Waygood.

In a statement made under his breath and in the company of no-one, Lord Waygood said "This Blog will probably not only give me something to do in the evenings, but satisfy the public's insatiable desire for celebrity gossip and uninformed speculation of world events.". Lord Waygood also announced that the first edition of The Waygood would also be available in the font of Wingdings for those who suffer from literacy. (sic)

As a Free Gift to new readers, the editor of The Waygood has offered a link to this website here.