Thursday, November 17, 2005

British Tourists ‘Unaustralian’

A disturbing trend has come to the attention of the editors of The Waygood, from a recent published report compiled by the Australian Bureau of Statistics. We have learned that an amazing 672,800 British tourists entered Australia in 2003, an increase of 4.7% on the previous year. From these figures we can conclude there will be a staggering one billion visiting British by the year 2165.

It is common knowledge tourists fill hotels, restaurants and congest our already packed public transport system. Can our nation afford to deal with this growing infrastructural pressure? How do so many British citizens overstay their visa? Can they be trusted? Who are the British anyway? With so many difficult questions to answer, the Editors here at The Waygood are hardly feeling ‘relaxed and comfortable’.

As part of this special investigation we sent one of our columnists to Melbourne airport to see how current protocols are observed. Sue Valence, staff reporter, watched how several dozen citizens of the British Isles wandered past the immigration desks almost without detection. They waved what appeared to be a convincing copy of an Australian passport, albeit somewhat red in colour, and proceeded unhindered to the luggage collection area.

The type of fake Australian passport glimpsed at Tullamarine

In this era of cultural protectionism, we felt alerting this serious issue to our dozen devoted readers was clearly not enough, and have raised the alarm to the Federal government as well. Surprisingly, we found they were also aware of these important issues, and have been developing a new strategy to address this worrying concern.

Whilst speaking to Immigration Minister A. Blander Sandstone MP, we were told of preparations to bring the Tourism Ministry in line with the Department of Immigration’s ‘exclusive’ policies. She also admitted that she thought tourists were inherently ‘Unaustralian’ and did nothing for the mateship of the country.

The successes of popular locations for refugees, detention centres, are now to be employed to provide accommodation for visiting tourists. Holidaymakers to our shores will have a choice of destinations, with Port Hedland, Woomera and Baxter featuring prominently in new promotions by Tourism Australia.

3 star accommodation is available at the new Port Hedland tourist community centre.

In addition to these new initiatives the Federal Government is launching a 24 hour hotline to assist this new approach. Members of the public will be invited to inform trained operators of the whereabouts of ‘tourists’ that might be traveling around Australia at their own free will. A comprehensive booklet explaining the new policy is expected to reach Australian letterboxes soon.


At 12:35 pm, Blogger SammyD said...

I concur heartily with your sentiment, Lord Waygood. Out with all this 'pommy rot,' I say..

Pommy rot. Ho ho, did you see what I did there? it's a play on the words, tommy rot. What mirth!

For what it is worth, this British-bound antipodean is doing his level best to discourage the pasty hordes from invading our country. I have developed my own unique brand of 'anti-tourism' - consisting primarily of poking the British in the eyes and announcing that 'there's a jolly good deal more of that waiting for you in Australia.'

My campaign, nay - my MISSION, leaves me somewhat isolated in this land, often crying myself to sleep in terrible loneliness. Yet, I draw warming comfort from the knowledge that i may stem the tide of these so-called 'tourists.'


Samuel R. Fornesworth-Blimey-Farnesworth

At 12:55 am, Blogger Rev D 'Tweak' Nichols, North Fitzroy Lancers said...

A damn strange man that Fornesworth-Blimey-Farnesworth, but not one to be treated lightly.

Its what he does while crying that really disturbs one.

Kind of behaviour Ive come to expect from the natives wot.

Run them through and stick them in the front line of them. Make men of them. Or stick them in frocks and make them into women.


At 10:24 am, Blogger SammyD said...

The Reverend Nichols is both a bounder and a rapscallion. I put to you, kind ladies and gentlemen, that he is a pillock.


At 2:17 am, Blogger Rev D 'Tweak' Nichols, North Fitzroy Lancers said...

Bounder and Rapscallion yes. Poltroon and Brigand perhaps.
Consort, defintitely.

But Pillock?! Sir, my reputation (or what I have left of it) has been tarnished and I demand satisfaction.

Pistols or Swords!?!

At 1:12 am, Blogger SammyD said...

Pistols, you rogue.

I should very much enjoy embedding flecks of buckshot into your scoundrel hide.

Twilight at Reflection Manor, at a time to be disclosed. Though, I rather fear you will not have the stomach to face the barrel of a Fornesworth-Blimey-Farnesworth.

At 3:04 am, Blogger Rev D 'Tweak' Nichols, North Fitzroy Lancers said...

My stomach has faced your cooking sir, it certainly fears no buckshot!

This saturday then, it shall be decided. One will be shot and the other will be righted.

Good day to you sir!


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